It can be hard to take advice and learn to express gratitude. How often do you listen to someone who criticizes you? Right, me too. I shut them out the minute their voice hints they’re going to tell me I’m wrong. Who needs it.
But I remember one day 35 years ago, I actually listened to advice that I’ve tried to follow ever since. That was the day I learned to express gratitude. It changed my life and the quality of my friendships.
The person who criticized me wasn’t even a friend, just part of a group conversation. She said, “I hear you and you’re very astute at putting your finger on what’s wrong. But I never hear you say anything about what’s going right.”
All Bad News, All the Time
I stopped my urge to debate and asked more about what she meant. Apparently, along the way to turning 40, I wasn’t expressing gratitude for anything. It was all bad news all the time. Oh, the drama.
For some reason (who knows why), her words sunk in and I had a sit-down talk with myself. We (me, myself, and I) reviewed my conversations and especially the number of times I expressed gratitude over the past few weeks. Of course, I wanted to go back and explain to her that if she had my life, she wouldn’t have much gratitude to express either!
But it wasn’t true. If I compared myself to almost anyone in my circle of friends, I had it pretty good. Yet, all I could see was the drama in which I had a starring role as “Ms. Misunderstood.”
What Happens When You Express Gratitude
Studies have linked the ability to express gratitude to:
- Better relationships
- Improved mental health
- Better physical health
- Decreased stress
- Increased energy
- Exceptional mental strength
In fact, the day I started telling my friends about the things and the people I felt grateful for, I actually felt strong positive emotions building exponentially. If I said a nice thing about one person, I started feeling them for the next person. I wasn’t making it up in a Polly-Anna fantasy; I actually felt warmth and gratitude.
I didn’t have to make up something nice to say, I would actually see and feel that way. It became easier to make friends. For those I didn’t like and never would, I made an effort to avoid them–but not before finding one positive thing to say about them. I didn’t want to lie, so I had to have one small truth to say.
The Science of Gratitude
At the time of that encounter, 35 years ago, I was still studying to become a psychologist. I researched gratitude. Since then, there are so many interesting new studies that show that the key to becoming a more positive, happy person lies in expressing gratitude. Here are some more recent studies on the benefits of gratitude:
- Increased resilience. A 2003 study found that gratitude was a major contributor to resilience following the attacks on September 11. Other studies have found that gratitude helps reduce the rates of PTSD following traumatic events.
- Bolstered self-esteem. A 2014 study discovered that grateful people feel better about themselves. Gratitude reduces social comparisons, which tends to be at the root of most self-esteem issues.
- Enhanced empathy. A 2012 study found that grateful people were more empathetic and less likely to become aggressive.
- Improved physical health. A 2013 study found that grateful people report better physical health. Grateful people are also more likely to exercise and attend regular check-ups, which contributes to a longer lifespan.
- Enriched social life. A 2015 study found that showing appreciation increases the chances that you’ll make new friends. Additionally, gratitude will help you develop and maintain relationships.
- Improved sleep. A 2011 study found that people who spend 15 minutes writing down grateful sentiments at bedtime sleep longer and better.
- Increased happiness. A 2003 study discovered grateful people tend to be 25% happier than other people.
Happy Thanksgiving to All
This is my favorite holiday, because it’s a time we at least think about expressing gratitude. Sometimes it’s hardest to tell our own family members how much we appreciate them. Maybe we’re afraid of being “mushy,” too sentimental. Maybe we have long histories of disagreements and differences.
But surely, there are many things we can appreciate and say. Find them, then say them. Before it’s too late. To my group of readers, know how much I appreciate you getting my weekly posts. I hope you find value. I thank you for all that you are and do. Be well, and enjoy each day.
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